That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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