How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
