1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I just sharted jello shots
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