It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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