I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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