put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
