He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
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Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize