He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
