I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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