girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
