One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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