You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
