the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
