Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Randomize
