grandma shit on top of the toilet
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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