It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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