so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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