She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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