he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
