why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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