my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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