I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
