I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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