I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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