Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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