I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
