If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
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