Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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