the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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