If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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