Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I pour the whiskey from now on
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
