All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i now understand why vodka
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
