i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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