I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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