Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
