remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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