I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
