i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
