It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
