Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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