First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
