The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
