Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
