p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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