I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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