I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
