just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
