every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
