So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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