First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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