she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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