im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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