yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
