I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
