I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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