She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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