my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
