I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
3pm strippers are depressing
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
