she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
