I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Everyone says I win the strip club
Randomize
