We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
