one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
