The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
