Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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