Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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