The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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