i jhust puked up my retainher.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
