my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
